Sometimes there are no words to describe the place you’re in. You try to articulate your thoughts and feelings but even the somewhat lucid utterances don’t quite sum up the entirety of your mind’s current production. The mind is a powerful thing. It has the ability to create and dictate your perception of reality. What happens when your current reality is one you’d press fast forward on if you had access to your life’s remote control?
What if you’d rather curl up and sleep through this current chapter of uncertainty? How do you navigate an uncomfortable truth? You aren’t happy or settled and the daily process of cultivating and maintaining hope feels weighty and useless. I know my story doesn’t end here. That gets me out of bed in the mornings, in moments where I can’t be bothered with life as it is right now. Where did my signature optimism go? My friends back home used to call me the President of the care committee. Some days I couldn’t care less and my I-can-do all-things-are-possible stance seems distant and unfamiliar. Over and over again I’ve been at the point where frustration had me by the throat – choking the life out of my faith, sucking the air out of my lungs and knocking me back down each time I got a handle on my day. Each time I thought I was finally piecing things together.
I know my story doesn’t end here. I refuse to believe that this is all there is. I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen next. I hear people say you have the power to create your own reality so I refuse to blame others for where I am. At the same time, I need to come to terms with where I am or else I won’t be able to truly move forward. Deep down I know that I can’t afford to beat myself up. I’ve tripped up and done some stupid things. I’ve let my emotions get the better of me. I’ve said too much to the wrong people. I’ve been burned and it seems I’ve even done the burning. I’ve let what others thought about me affect my attitude, actions and decisions. Quite frankly the thought of all of this makes me sick. I am ready to do better. I am better than this. I am so much more than all of this.
I accept that the journey to my higher self will not happen overnight. I take responsibility for my own failings and misgivings while admitting that I’ve done some things pretty well too. In the midst of falls and flaws, there is beauty and kindness. Mercy and forgiveness rule over harshness and criticism. When sitting on the verge of my own tears, I am willing to offer a smile and a helping hand. So I hold on to these things when life would make me out to be a monster. I find solace in knowing that the music of my heart sings sweetly for those willing to tune their ear.
The greatest success stories all had gritty passages of doubt and uncertainty. So that helps me while I’m out here chasing my dreams. I’m doing something about the ideas I’ve had buried in notepads for years. I am determined to bring what was in the dark to light. In my pursuit of change, I’m inconsistent at times and fired up like a space rocket in other moments. I struggle to find balance. I struggle to pay my rent. I am now hunting for a solid 9-5 when I swore I could live off of a gig and a hustle. Some days I feel like such a hypocrite. Parading around in a mask that quite frankly has gotten too heavy for me to wear anymore. I don’t know all the answers. I don’t understand why some things happen and others don’t. As solid and convincing as some things seem, it doesn’t always work out the way you’d hoped; it’s true that not everything that glitters is gold.
Some days I’m super organized and productive and other days I sincerely cannot be bothered to do a thing. I have spent many hours staring into space like a little old lady wondering what will happen next. The emotions do their whirling and twirling deep inside of me and they’re all vying for the lead role in my day. So who will it be today? Will it be Doubt the deceiver? The one who just loves to talk and talk and talk! Most times it’s just a bag of nonsense though. Will it be Fear the liar? The one who loves to scream and frighten me – but like most bitches, her bark is bigger than her bite – so I’m learning to silence her once and for all. Will it be Anxiety the crippler? The one who loves to box me in and make me withdraw into the seeming safety of silence and solitude. How about none of these.
I’ve sacrificed too much. I’ve fought too hard and now I’m worn out and looking around for comfort. I hear a voice say His grace is sufficient…for His power is made perfect in weakness. I need some strength right about now. I am fighting to surrender – whilst realizing surrender can’t be a fight. You have to put your hands up. You have put your weapons down. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. The reminders rise to soothe my soul like smoke from the embers of a forgotten fire. I am not defeated. Things may not make sense to me right now, but there is One who sees and knows all. My heart whispers prayers daily, even when they don’t make it all the way out my mouth. Someone somewhere knows all the answers…and I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s not me. And that’s ok.
Written By: Alanna Leslie